What A Normal Person Would Do

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Who Wants A Beer?

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "'No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday.'' And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

A Bad, Bad Painting

A man walks into an art gallery and looks at a painting, he asks to the the art dealer, "So this piece of junk is what you call art?" The art dealer, in shock replies, "I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror."

Buy Me A Mink

After a bit of an argument, the wife sulkily said: "If you really loved me you'd buy me a nice mink." "All right," said her husband, "If it's so important to you I'll buy you a mink but only on one condition." "What's that?" "You have to keep its cage clean."

If You Could Not See Me For A Few Days

A man left for work one Friday, but being payday, instead of going home he stayed out all weekend partying. When he finally went home on Sunday, his wife was furious. She said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for days?" to which he replied, "That'd be fine." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling had just gone down enough for him to see her out of the corner of his eye.

A Letter From Hell

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow’s son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I’ve just gotten here and everything’s set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. “P.S. It’s really hot!”

Frozen Piggy Bank

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

Why The Long Pause?

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch and … Coke.” “Why the long pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

We Share Everything

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. “It’s all right,” says the husband. “We share everything.” A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn’t taken a bite. “I really wouldn’t mind buying your wife her own meal,” he insists. “She’ll eat,” the husband assures him. “We share everything.” Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, “Why aren’t you eating?” The wife snaps, “Because I’m waiting for the teeth!”

The Human Cassette

A newly received patient in a mental hospital was very restless and uncomfortable. When it was time to turn the lights out, the new patient howled and screamed, attempting a song. His voice was very loud and sharp and it carried across the whole building. When the doctor on duty went to sort it out, he could hardly get a word in as the patient was singing passionately. When, at last, the doctor managed to calm him down, the patient turned on his stomach and began singing again. The doctor didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Why are you singing on your stomach? Can you get enough air?" At this, the patient sat up and laughed coldly, "Is it me, or do you have mental problems as well? After side A finished playing, you have to flip it, otherwise how can you hear side B?"

The Angel

I am a messenger of God.
I am a bringer of death.
I am a symbol of peace.
I burn and destroy.

I fly above in the heavens.
I crash down to earth.
I soar through the clouds.
I rummage through the trees.

I am a sign of hope.
I am a sign of great power.
I am not allowed to love.
I do so even though.

I stay by God's side.
I betray and serve Hell.
I help the good.
I annihilate the bad.

I am an angel.
I am a devil.
I am good.
I am evil.

I have feelings too.

The Nightwalker

The shadows began to grow longer as the sun rose at the end of the street, revealing the nightmare that had happened the night before.

The bloody bodies of the people that were slaughtered lay there, staring at me with cold, empty eyes. They were the people who still had a future ahead of them. People who had families to look after. People who had lives to continue.

Who would've killed all these innocent people? I felt the tears streaming down my face. What kind of monster would've done that?

Whoever did this never had a second thought about what they were doing. The organs of the stiff, dead bodies were lying everywhere. And it wasn't about to stop there. Heads with eyeballs missing decorated the streets. Thanks to the sun's light, everything was a dark, bloody red.

The children of those who were massacred stood there looking at me with terror in their eyes.

Why were they looking at me like that?
I looked down at my hands.
They were stained red.